You see, some of the women I know that are getting divorced are starting to date again.  Now mind you, none of their divorces are final.  Each one has either outright said or acted like they can’t be alone.  And it made me question myself on this.  I’m not really in the actively trying to date category.  I’m in the if the opportunity presents it’s self then I would do it category.  It’s just not one of the most important things on my list.  And I doubted myself on that.

But then I realize that all this talk from some about wanting to be independent and not in need of a man is just that, talk.  I don’t want to have to depend on one.  I want to be able to do it myself.  And if there is one around, then that’s kind of nice.  I’d rather sit with myself and deal with the recovery of myself.

I’ve started the gym and Weight Watchers, for me.  Not for anyone else.  I’m trying hard to stick with it and I do have my moments, but for the most part, I think I’m ok.  I want to be healthier and even lose some weight.  Yes I want to be a size 16 (maybe less) by the end of the year, but that’s a bit off.  That’s the tenative goal for now.

Because, this year, is about taking care of me.  Getting me to where I want to be and the rest that follows can be gravy.

Good things come to those who wait right?  At least that’s what they say.

That quote right now is me.  I rejoined Weight Watchers and it’s been a harder adjustment for me this time.  There is so much I want to do, so much that I want to accomplish and yet for the whole change in eating habits, I know I need the structure and I’m not afraid to admit it.  It’s the whole keeping myself accountable if I commit to it.

So why is it so hard to completely change all the eating habits that I want to change?  I can admit that I want to do it, that I need to do it and yet here I am, still sort of struggeling with it.

And that is one of my shortcomings.  My willpower is not where I want it to be, much less anything else where this is concerned.  So what to do, how to do it…..

I mean, I’m down 3 lbs this week, I can give myself credit for that.  And that wasn’t really trying.  So I’m trying to imagine what I could accomplish if I really tried.

I think it’s time for some meditation….

I don’t know how many I will accomplish this year, but it’s going to be fun trying.

I took a step today and rejoined weight watchers.  I’m going for my first weigh in tomorrow.  Just to get it done and out of the way.  On the last day of 2011, I plan to weigh in and have a firm idea of EXACTLY where I am.  So I can get moving on 2012.  I plan to organize the list this weekend, get a few things done that need to be done on New Years Day.

This is going to be a whole new game.  Changes are good.  I am excited!

What about you?

Dear You,  I am done.  Officially end. of. story.  Consider yourself removed from my inner circle.  And yes, you know why.

Dear You x 20–I miss you ALL.  I hope you know it and yes I will make it a point to see you all sometime this year.

Dear You x 2- I miss our Yardhouse excursions….The times were priceless.  You are priceless.  I miss you especially.

Dear You- I am not lost.  2 very important people know exactly where I am.  Myself and God. 

Dear You- I am learning and adjusting every single day.  It’s hard.  Very hard.  I just wish you could do the same.

Dear You- Yes I know you are doing it again.  A little birdie told me.  You know the birdie you married.  So think about that.  You are digging a hole that I don’t wish to see you bury yourself in.  Please, pull your head out of your a@@ and think about your family and what you stand to lose.  Just sayin’.

I love you all for different reasons.  Even the screw ups. A couple of you I just want to love from a far.

Love, Me

I haven’t really been in the Christmas mood this year.  I’ll admit that.  It seemed like a hastle.  Even though it’s not.  Mom said at one point she sort of felt bad I wasn’t getting anything this year from them, mostly that I didn’t have anyone to get me anything.

Well, I’ve gotten pictures from friends that I have missed.  The MIL is sending a little gift, G is sending a little gift, I got 2 mugs at work, a Christmas bonus, and a breadmaker.  And then I have to stop and think that I have something else.

I am surrounded by friends and family, near and far.  That is enough.  Christmas isn’t about presents, so many times, I feel like we forget the whole reason for this holiday.  I feel it’s gotten way too commercialized.  Christmas trees out on July, A christmas music dedicated radio station that plays nothing but Christas music from November 1st until the day after Christmas.  It’s all to much.

I have avoided most holiday stuff this year for the fact that I feel as if it’s being stuffed in my face every turn around.  I don’t like that.  I am the type who if something is forced on me I will rebel.  That’s just me.  And that’s sort of what I’ve done this year with the holiday.

I am going to use the rest of the year, to regroup.  To stop for a minute and figure out a plan.  Next year, I will be ready.

So for now, as the bread is baking, I am going to sit down with a cup of Earl Grey and start working on plan.  Because I can.

2012 is going to bring a lot of changes, personal changes if nothing else.  It’s all just a matter of working it out.

I’ve held the disclaimer that what I write is my personal feelings and opinions upfront and in your face.  Some are not pretty, sometimes they are just down right ugly.  But in being honest with myself.  I’ve sugar coated some things here, for the sake of not wanting to offend anyone.

Why?

Why is the question.  This is my personal blog and yet, I’ve tried to censor myself so I won’t offend people.  I’ve decided to stop that.

I’ve decided that the upcoming year is going to be different.  I’ve decided that I want to be as real and be as loud about my weaknesses, my shortcomings,  my victories and my trimphs as possible.  I’m coming off auto pilot for the upcoming year.

So be prepared and forwarned.  You will not agree with me a lot of times, I can see it coming.  Maybe a couple of you might, but either way.  Nothing barred.

So get ready.

I take out the tea pot that my sister gave me years and years and years ago, it’s the ceramic tea pot that came from Pier One when I wanted the whole oriental type theme, she got it for me and it came with 4 small cups.  I don’t use the cups, but I do the tea pot.  I boil some water, take out two bags of either Earl Grey tea or my absolute favorite, Irish Breakfast Tea and steep the tea bags in the hot water for a few minutes, then I pour myself some tea with lemon and sugar.  It’s my tea moment, but I do it for more than just a bad day!

Day 14-

Prompt: Gratitude: What are the 5 things, people and moments you are grateful for in 2011?  What would you like to be grateful for in 2012?

1. Being the only one G let hold Parker the day she brought him to the office.
2. The family dinner my last night in Cali and the beautiful gift from Judy the morning I left.
3. Full Figure Fashion Week with Marcy
4. The hug from my mother when I got home
5. Holding Lydia Jan for the first time

What would I like to be grateful for in 2012?

Being able to implement all the upcoming changes I want to make.

1. Insecurities
2. Procrastination
3. Poor Eating Habits
4. No Self Time
5. Not enough sleep

Ok, so I’m stopping the list here.  Why?  Because there are A LOT of things I could list.  A Lot.  More than 12.  I could go on forever probably.  I have a lot of changes that I want to make in the up coming year.  A lot of things to do.  And Yes, they can be done.  It’s just a matter of implementing them.